Lovingly compiled archive of short posts from Cohost

everything does not revolve around me ?

no.. that can't be...

@bunney shared with:
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i am the black hole in my brain

one day i will write a long triumphant post about how i managed to conquer the extreme dissociative defense mechanism of being unable to perceive myself or even take in & comprehend information from others perceiving me, but it has been years and it doesn't feel like i've made any progress in this regard

it's extremely difficult. it's one thing to simply be blind to oneself, but it's another to always be blocking any sort of input on this matter. other headmates can't describe me when i am in the vicinity because if they attempt to do so i get so dissociated that they themselves become unable to remember even 1 thing about me. they have learned to just write things down when i'm not around, but then i just... can't read them. at all. brain just shuts down. i've been trying to read this one thing for 20 minutes now and i only manage to comprehend a couple sentences before it gets too difficult to think and understand the words that have been written, lol

and we KNOW why i do that, we know what caused this fucked up mechanism to develop and we are already out of the environment that forced me to become Like This, but still... just understanding a problem doesn't solve it, i guess. 😮‍💨

Its About Time Someone Stood Up For Whasts Right.

shoot the transmedicalist in your head

i can see how the agender folks in my head struggle with their dysphoria in a world and country where EVERYTHING is gendered but also like as the exact opposite (bigender) i should theoretically have it easier and yet... i'm just so goddamn frustrated whenever i realize that in my brain the two genders that i am seem to 'exclude' each other. "you can't be a man with visible boobs" turns into a "okay but if i get rid of the boobs i will become unable to be a woman" turns into "well sucks to be you, you should have been binary instead. hope this helps" <— utterly deranged train of thought from start to finish

i'm not genderfluid is the thing. i'm not more man one day and more woman another day, i consider myself both simultaneously every day. moreover, sharing my brain with other ppl, none of whom have the same gender identity as me, i cannot exactly pick and choose our transition goals to benefit me personally without considering the others' needs, some of which are the opposite of what i'd like. if i don't purge all that transmed propaganda brainrot i will never reach a point of being satisfied with my gender expression

fakeclaiming culture has traumatized big chunks of all sorts of marginalized communities into valuing external validation over everything else & believing their very feelings and identity to be something that can be freely dissected by others. this, of course, has no downsides at all

it doesn't matter where you go because this overwhelming focus on validation is present everywhere. if there is a marginalized community, there ARE going to be people constantly asking "is this valid? is this okay? are my feelings real? am i [x identity] enough?" and it's tiring to see. so many people are stuck in an eternal hell inside their minds, unable to trust themselves without internet strangers' permission. you're hurting. realize that you're hurting. it doesn't MATTER whether a random person believes you're trans enough or that your trauma was enough to cause you to become plural. a random person does not know you, will never know you as well as you know yourself, and does not, by default, have your best interests at heart. what you need is not yet another stranger judging your internal business, what you need is rest and some peace of mind. please give yourself that instead of endlessly seeking validation

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